Melancholy
by Rail and Tracer
Summary: Major Spoilers for 199. KandaxAllen. He didn't understand how all of this had happened. How the most awful thing had made everyone so grateful. Allen couldn't understand their feelings.


I had to write this after reading the new chapter today. It was just so...what the fuck-y. It was ridiculous. Hoshino is stealin' the Trolling crown from Kubo.

Anyway, this is KandaxAllen with side mentions of KandaxAlma

Warning for sex and general prose-y-ness. Oh. And major spoilers. Do not read unless you have read 199 or don't mind being confused, wait, I mean spoiled.

No.

I do mean confused.

In any case, read on if you dare.

xXx

Allen walked through the halls of the new Order. His shifts between Noah and normal human had become more stable and he had been able to return to being an Exorcist. Honestly though, since what had happened to Alma and Kanda he wasn't sure if he wanted to be one any more.

He didn't want to be a Noah either though. He felt as if he was being pulled in a million different directions and suddenly wished he could just abandon everything. He had his powers. If he wanted to he could lock himself away in a place nobody could ever find him, the way he had done with Kanda.

Kanda. His train of though kept going back to the Second Exorcist. How could they have done that? How could they have done that to him, causing him so much pain, so much confusion. They had kept everything from him and in the end it had made him defect completely.

He had been happy though. Completely resolute with his decision to go away with Alma. He had _smiled_ at Allen, actually _called_ him by his real name. He had been thankful for Allen shedding tears for them, for seeing Almas real soul, the soul of _that person_. Though their promise had been broken it had still been a moment of overwhelming joy on both of their parts.

Their faces as Allen had sent them away through the Ark to where his and Kanda's first ever mission had been was unforgettable. Both of them, happier than they had been in a long time, happier than they had ever _been_.

Allen just wished he could see that kind of joy again.

When they had returned to the Order after temporarily incapacitating the Earl and his Noah Allen had immediately been locked up. His skin shifting between tan and white, staying darker around the wound Kanda had inflicted upon him. Johnny had come in after a day or so to clean and bandage his wounds but though he tried to stay light-hearted and friendly Allen knew. Allen knew that they were all afraid of him now.

He hadn't been allowed to see any other Exorcists though some had managed to get back go HQ after the whole incident for fear that it would trigger his inner Noah. Now Allen was just tired. Once all of the tan had receded and stayed away for a couple of days they had allowed him to get out and walk a little.

During his first excursion he had found himself out of the dark-haired Exorcists room. Ex-exorcists room, he had to remind himself. It was so unusual to think about him like that now. Someone disappearing though they had been there since before he had gotten there. Someone who had been there nine years, gone in an instant.

The guards had found him there two hours later, still in front of Kandas door. Nobody had said anything but he had seen the looks. The whispers, the avoidance, the rumors. Since then he had passed by that room, gone in once or twice even but he never stayed long.

"Kanda...what happened to you?" Allen found himself asking softly as he leaned against the wall staring at Kanda's door.

His thoughts revolving around Kanda suddenly Allen tensed, one hand coming up to rest on the wound the other teen had inflicted. Swallowing and hoping that no one came around right now Allen closed his eyes and winced as another wave of pain went through him.

"Don't come out...don't come out," Allen whimpered, doubling over in pain and seeing that his skin was beginning to darken. He could hear the 14th laughing in his head, telling him to give up control, to let him do what needed to be done.

Allen halfway wanted to let him take over. To let him destroy the Earl, and the Order. They both deserved the punishment equally. Still, he couldn't. He wouldn't allow himself to be swayed like that before he knew what had happened to Alma and Kanda.

That was his last thought before he blacked out.

xXx

Allen woke up in a corridor deep within the Order. He was sure nobody had been down this way in a long time, and that no one was going to come here either. Looking at his hands he realized that he still had his Noah skin. Swallowing nervously he looked around, afraid that he would be surrounded by corpses but was relieved to find that he was completely alone and there was no sign of struggle or blood.

He then noticed the whispering in his head. It sounded like the 14th, but it was more subdued than last time. Allen could tell he was still agitated, but didn't seem as inclined to take completely over. Wondering about that Allen realized that he couldn't do anything.

Lightly brushing his fingers along his forehead he felt the stigma, one more sign that he was almost completely changed. His skin also didn't seem to be changing back any time soon and there was a constant light burning sensation where his Innocence laden arm attached to the rest of his body. He took a moment to wonder _why_ he, with a parasitic type Innocence, had been chosen as the vessel for this.

He couldn't go back up into the Order. He couldn't let anyone see him like this. He couldn't go outside. He couldn't go to the Earl. Without thinking he opened a Gate, stepping inside before checking to see if anyone else was using _his_ Ark. He could feel someone, Timothy and a couple finders, he thought, and kicked them out landing them in HQ before he closed and locked all the Gates.

The white-haired boy knew he was going to be labeled a traitor. He didn't care. Right now he realized that's what he had been feeling since Kanda left. Nothing. No remorse, no fear, no cares. They could say what they wanted, they could do what they wanted. Allen would acknowledge it but he wouldn't waste his feelings on people able to do such things without even a thought.

Swallowing and closing his eyes he wondered what he was going to do.

Kanda.

He had to go see Kanda.

He suddenly felt drawn to him, a need to see him, see what he was doing. He had no idea what had brought these feelings on. Maybe it was seeing his past, maybe it was seeing what had happened to him and Alma, but his feelings had changed toward the older teen. Sympathy, a need to comfort him had taken him over until he spent almost every moment thinking about him.

_"Do you remember where our first mission was?"_

'Of course I remember how could I forget? Lala. Guzol. The Level 2. My arms first upgrade.' Allen rubbed his arm, his hand burning as he touched the Innocence. He kept it there for a moment though, reveling in the pain and the calm it brought him. The ability to think with a clear head.

He had to go there.

Waving his hand he opened a Gate and walked into the tunnels of Mater.

xXx

Allen walked to the center room, drawn by memory to it. Somehow it was all intact, the same as it had been when they left. The spears he had shot from his arm were still scattered around, piled up as if they had been shot only a few hours ago. The patch where the Akuma had died had turned black, even sand unable to hold up to the virus. Guzols cloak was still there but his body had turned to dust along with Lala.

Making his way around the arches Allen suddenly stopped. Turning around he stopped dead when he saw Kanda.

He had no idea how long he had sat there. If he had stayed there from the moment Allen had sent them through the Ark. Allen didn't know how, but somehow he had regenerated himself and his tattoo was back to how it had been the first time he saw it, just a small sanskrit character on his chest.

Taking one step forward, and then two Allen noticed that Kanda hadn't moved at all. Reaching him Allen knelt down, not sure what he should do. He rested there for a moment and jumped when Kanda turned his head toward him and spoke.

"I knew you would be here."

"W-what?" Allen asked, shocked.

Kanda looked down for a moment and Allen followed his gaze to what seemed like a piece of cracked clay, but knew it wasn't. It was what remained of Alma's body, he was sure, and he wondered how Kanda could have done that. How he could have just sat there and watch as the person he loved faded away.

Feeling tears grow in his eyes for the first time in months he jerked back in surprise when Kanda reached up and brushed them away. Turning his face to him with his eyes wide Allen could do nothing when Kanda suddenly pressed their lips together.

They parted after only a moment but still it felt like it had been longer. Allen was confused. Hadn't Alma been Kanda's love? Why would he kiss him after everything?

"We're both outcasts, even though it's in different ways." Kanda said softly, brushing back Allens hair. "Outcasts have no one left to depend on but each other."

Swallowing around the lump in his throat Allen said, "I can't do this Kanda. I can't do this to you, or Alma. It's just...everything's...broken. You _loved_ her."

"I did," Kanda said, again looking at the cracked piece on the ground. "I do." his gaze turned to Allen again. "She's not here any more. Even though we broke our promise it was the best thing we could have done. I can't keep searching if she's right in front of me."

"So why me?" Allen asked, still confused. Kanda was even harder to understand than he had used to be. Though he spoke more it was making less sense.

Kanda moved his hand to hold on to Allens chin as he looked him in the eyes, "You too. You understand. You know everything that they've done, what we've done. You can feel now too."

Suddenly Allen understood. Kanda couldn't feel it either. The remorse, the pain, what was wrought on them by others. There was only way to make them feel, and that was to be with each other. Though they couldn't bare to feel it alone it was relieving, almost relaxing to share that pain with another who understood. Who understood the feeling of losing someone so close linked to you with a promise.

Kanda kissed him again and when he drew back there was no protest from either party. Pressing him slowly to the ground Kanda kissed him softly, sweetly, and Allen couldn't help but want more. He briefly wondered what Kanda's thoughts were on his appearance, but decided that since he hadn't said anything on it it wasn't relevant.

Unbuttoning his shirt Kanda pushed it back to expose Allens chest. He stopped kissing his mouth for a moment to brush his lips against the skin there, his tongue tracing the scars along his torso. As he found sensitive spots Allen began to make little noises and the older teen smiled softly to himself as he went back to a particular spot.

Allens hands came up to Kandas back, touching and feeling the muscles and bones there. Moving one hand up to the back of his neck the other trailed down, coming to rest on his stomach. He kept it there for a moment, feeling the muscles quiver under his touch before he moved it up to the smooth skin where the tattoo lay.

Allen laid there like that, letting Kanda do what he wanted to him, tilting his head to the side for better access when Kanda nipped at his throat. Moaning softly and feeling his arousal slowly growing Allen knew where this had to be going. Where it he knew it would lead since he had succumbed to the need to see him.

Returning to Allens mouth Kanda pressed their lips together and nipped, encouraging Allen to allow entrance to his tongue. His request was granted and their lips and tongues and teeth came together aggressively. The time for being soft and sweet had passed and now the only thing that was left was their feelings, their passion.

Letting out a whimper as their lips parted again Allen moaned as his earlobe was nipped and sucked between Kandas lips while one of the teens hands came down to open his pants. Allen shifted making himself more available as Kanda explored further. The boy went down his legs, quickly disposing of his boots and socks before running his hands up his thighs, not quite to his crotch. Grabbing the waistline he slowly began to drag the garment down. Allen lifted his hips obligingly and sighed with relief when his arousal was finally freed.

Kanda didn't waste time as he moved to touch it, stroking it maddeningly slowly as Allen gasped and moaned beneath him. It wasn't enough though and both of them knew that. With an unusual show of force Allen moved them so Kanda was sitting up and he was between his legs.

Pushing the fabric down Allen revealed that Kanda was as aroused as he, and smirked to himself. Taking a deep breath he descended upon Kanda's erection, taking it slowly into his mouth. The dark haired teens breath caught as Allen went down on him expertly taking inch after inch, only pausing a moment as it hit the back of his throat to adjust before he took in it all.

Though Kanda would have liked to sit there and enjoy this to the fullest he knew that it was also just preparation for something else. Deciding to do his own part, and trying to control his breathing as Allen swallowed around him and moved back, his tongue swirling around him, he stuck his fingers in his mouth to lubricate them. Taking them out when he deemed it well enough he trailed them down Allens back making the boy shiver before dipping down between his cheeks and probing at his entrance.

Tensing slightly Allen made himself relax at the intrusion and instead focused on what he was doing. He wasn't going to make Kanda come, but he did want to pleasure the older teen and also use enough saliva to make entrance not quite as uncomfortable. Making sure not to clench his jaw as he felt Kandas fingers scissoring inside of him he drew back to kiss and suck at the tip, licking up a few beads of precum.

When Kanda's drew his fingers out Allen knew it was time and he backed off with a slightly wet pop. Smirking at him Kanda pushed him down on his back again, moving on top of the smaller boy. Raising his hips he waited for Allen to nod before pressing forward to his entrance.

It hurt, as usual, but pain wasn't what Allen was concentrating on this time. It was Kanda. He was with _Kanda_. They were both traitors, outcasts, abnormalities, but they could still have each other. What right did one freak have to shun another?

Kanda's eyes drifted shut as he buried himself to the hilt inside the other teen. So blissfully tight, so blissfully warm. It was everything he'd imagined of the younger boy. The feelings that were bubbling up inside of him, hidden and repressed for so long he didn't know what do do with them. Opening his eyes he saw tears, from those same feelings or pain he wasn't entirely sure, in the corners of Allens eyes.

"It's ok," he said, leaning down and ignoring the gasp Allen made as their position shifted as he licked away the tears, "We'll be ok now."

After Kanda said that Allen immediately nodded. He understood how Kanda had felt, leaving the battle field with that one person. Knowing that no matter what happened now they still had met, had spent even those few precious moments together. They weren't alone. Smiling Allen wrapped his hands around Kandas neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

Kanda complied and also moved again, half-thrusting into the now-pliant body. Allen gasped, his back arching when Kanda drew out again, further this time and returned with more force. As he did this again and again Allen moaned underneath of him, the feelings of pleasure and pain mixing to become something indescribable.

The moved together smoothly, the contrasts of their skin and hair brilliant against each other. Kanda's soft grunts and muffled moans mixing with Allens higher ah's and oh's. It was their music, their dance, and they both knew it would be over soon.

His breath hitching Allen's body jerked once more as his spot was struck and he could feel the hot tight coiling in his lower abdomen telling him he was about to see stars. After a few more thrusts, Kanda not even having to touch his dripping member Allen came with a cry, Kanda's name on his lips.

Feeling the smaller boy tightening around him Kanda moaned, thrusting a few more times before coming himself. Collapsing on top of Allen they just lay there, not separating, only shifting slightly to get into a more comfortable position. One of Kandas hands came up to stroke Allens hair, the same hair he had hated before, the same _boy_ he had hated before.

The thought seemed almost abhorrent to him now. How could they have thought they hated each other, that they wanted to kill one another. Finally moving Kanda sat back, grabbing Allens discarded shirt and wiping himself off before fixing his pants. Leaning forward he licked the ejaculate off of Allens stomach as well before wiping it dry.

The younger boy sat up with a slight wince, though they had done well with what they had it still could have been better, Allen made a face at the feeling of semen draining out of his body. Deciding it wasn't as if he had anyone to impress he pulled on his underwear and pants, leaving his boots and socks in the sand.

"What now?" he asked, turning to Kanda as they both stood up.

"What do you want to do?" the older teen asked in return.

"Nothing. I want to do nothing. I want to leave this world, the Order, the Earl, and never come back. I don't want to think about them or see them ever again." Allen replied and as he spoke the resolution came back to him.

Smiling at him Kanda said, "I agree. We'll have our own place. A place where no one can disturb us or force us to do anything. A world without _them_." Kanda glanced again at the piece of cracked clay and his gaze turned sorrowful for a moment as the crack grew and it split, falling to dust as it broke apart.

Locking eyes with Kanda Allen moved one arm in the gesture to summon a Gate. Once it was open he held out his hand to Kanda.

"Let's go."

"Where they can never find us."

xXx

End


End file.
